It’s been a while since I’ve word-vomited my feelings. Today’s musings are regarding the big R: REJECTION.
I grew up with the understanding that I could do ANYTHING I set my mind to. For the most part, that has always been true. I’m the oldest sibling in my family; with no brothers and no older siblings in my way, my parents let me do pretty much anything I wanted and encouraged me to succeed. I tried basically every activity on the planet. While I stuck with some things, I quit the ones that I didn’t naturally excel at (golf, dance, piano, tae kwon do, horseback riding….etc….) Essentially, if I wasn’t good at it, I gave up before I had a chance to fail.
I attended an all-girls school with a shockingly small population. As a single sex institution, it was further drilled into our minds that GIRLS ARE #1. Women can achieve anything! And we can! I joke that I peaked in high school, but it’s kind of true. I strove to be the best at everything I tried. Sports teams, every band the music department had to offer, leadership roles galore, and the cherry on top was being a Prefect in my senior year (see what they did there? One letter off from PERFECT. Because THAT isn’t setting you up for failure later on in life…). I was never rejected in high school; if I wanted something, I went for it.
My only real taste of rejection in my young life was being denied a role in Peter Pan when I was in eighth grade. Still bitter.
In all of those conversations in high school about success, they never told us that things get harder when you grow up. I’m no longer in a pool of 300; there are thousands of girls that are more talented than me and more qualified than me. There are also men.
University was a rude awakening. Suddenly I was surrounded by overachievers; people like me who succeeded at everything they tried, and were hungrier for it. I spent 18 years basically coasting and not having to try too hard. I was the only person at my high school to ever make it to OFSAA…but it was for high jump, and I was really only good at it because I’m 99% legs. I was first saxophone in band for my entire high school career…but it’s only because my sight reading skills were above average and I could get by pretending I knew how to count (counting to 4 is not as easy as it looks I swear). Once I got to Queen’s, I realized that there are people who are born leaders and WORK FOR IT. What? Doing more than the bare minimum to get results? Never.
This caused me to basically do shit all during university. I auditioned for shows, but never expected much. I applied for positions, but wasn’t surprised when I didn’t get them. My fire for success was gone, and I allowed rejection to become a part of my life. Rather than taking the denial in stride and using it as fuel, I just shrugged my shoulders and continued to be the bubbly, social being that I am. There’s nothing wrong with not letting rejection get to you (in fact, it’s crucial). However, there’s a problem when you DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
The ultimate point of rejection came to me when I applied for grad school. I had my sights set on a Public Relations program for years; why, you might ask? I don’t even know. Someone mentioned the program to me and suddenly it became my goal. I applied, I interviewed, and I hoped to God that I got it. I didn’t set my expectations too high, as I knew that few people were accepted. But there was something in me that KNEW I would get in. I had never truly failed to get what I wanted before, and I figured I was golden. SURPRISE. March rolls around and there’s a big ol’ WITHDRAWN on my account. What? Withdrawn?
R E J E C T E D.
I was horrified. And dejected. But this is where I found my lesson to be learned. Fast forward a few months, and my life is not a swirling black abyss of nothingness. I found a full time job that I love; there is room for growth and I am SUCCEEDING. I am falling back into the person I once was that was filled with passion and drive (granted, I’m working a little harder for it now).
I didn’t get into school. But it’s okay. Rejection is fuel if you know how to use it. When a door closes, a window opens…or something like that. Plans change and things don’t always go as planned. And it royally sucks. Things have a way of working out, and I’m learning more every day. In my post Onward & Upward, I talked a little bit about friendships and relationships changing. Boys will break your heart and friends will let you down…it’s cynical, but it happens. And that’s okay too. The people who matter will rise to the surface, and the failure will crumble until you don’t even remember it was ever there.
Rejection is just a crack in your life…if you know where to look, light will eventually shine through.